The best ways to talk about problems with your loved ones

Better interpersonal relationships is a priority for me. As a result I have been reading about relationships Terrance Reals' The New Rules of Marriage, William Ury's Getting Past No and the Power of Positive No and Helga Rhode's Assertiveness and Conflict Resolution books. I highly recommend them all. While Terry Real's book focuses on marriage, I believe the material is applicable to the family and the workplace as well.

Essentially, it seems to me, when things are going badly for me, it is because I am beating myself up. I find being kind to myself the hardest thing to do. I can clean, organize, prepare someones' holiday or birthday present, do something romantic for my boyfriend, or clean up my room. When I am distressed and greatly upset by another, rather than realizing that I am, as my friend Mel said for a situation she was in, "killing myself from the inside" I keep wallowing in my mental pollution. So first be kind, be forgiving of yourself. Give yourself a break. I understand this may take ten or 20 years to implement, maybe a lifetime and good for you for heading in the right direction.

After being sincerely kind to yourself, be forgiving of the other person. What are you possibly projecting onto the other person? If they seem to be manipulative or dodgy, ask them, "Please correct me if I am wrong, are you doing this thing on purpose?"

During this process, keep on giving yourself the credit you deserve for staying present with yourself, for having the courage to do this and for being committed to bettering your life with trying new things out. Keep giving yourself acknowledgement.

Develop appreciation for yourself and others. How I developed appreciation was when I lacked something or something was restricted due to responsibilities, etc. For instance, I did a Vipassana meditation (www.dhamma.org). This was ten days of meditation 11 hours a day. I was so grateful to be able to take a break from this hard work of self awareness to simply go to the bathroom, wash my laundry by hand, fix my bed and of course, eat. Being "deprived" helped me deeply appreciate the little things. So how can you limit the little things in this process so you can appreciate them more?

My intention in this brief response was to offer some help about talking about problems with loved ones. You can find more things in depth with the books I referred to. Best wishes to all.